what am i trying to tell you you ask
i am sitting on todd’s bed and he is in melbourne. i miss him. i miss a lot of things you know. i was going to make plans to meet my sister in the markets but decided that the best thing to do when you miss a lot of things is to sit alone with it to really feel it and stuff. the other night at mediation the teacher went deep into this thing about consciously tending to and focusing on that one heavy thing inside you. where the pain really is. thinkingabout it and where you feel it and to place a little fuzzy thing around it and to let it sit there and to love it a bit and to caress it whilst saying something like “ its ok darling baby I’m here with you”
yesterday during djing i felt a very large sensation of sad confusion over come me. i began to slyly make a list of what exactly was going on in me and instantly (maybe it was the pink of the paper or the rolling of the pen) everything felt lighter a bit.
what I’m getting to is this:
ITS OK IF YOU DONT FEEL GOOD. DONT FEEL GOOD. FEEL BAD AND STOP RUNNING. FEEL BAD AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SAY HEY BADNESS LETS DO A DANCE OR SOMETHING. HEY BADNESS LETS DRINK A BEER GRAB A BITE AND MAKE A SHOW OF THIS.
i fell a sleep to this documentary about Sylvie Guillem - an amazingballerina / activist. I woke up slowly and let myself sleep until 8am. laying alone in the middle of the bed feels powerful. I made myself a coffee in todd VICE mug and thought about how he doesn’t drink milk and how i want to buy him flowers. i put on the black sweat pants that i once bought him and sat in bed and came across this magic video of the artist Josep Pla-Narbona. wow i yelled wow after watching it then i screamed “ that was good” then i imagined having a house like his house and talking to a camera like that and a girl or boy screaming things like wow about me as they are feeling my feelings while they’re alone in their room trying to understand what the hell is happening in their bodies and minds and even souls and even homes and even worlds and even whereverelse even can go to. how can i do a better job at sharing myself with you to make you feel like me to make us feel less alone cause really we are all getting through this together ya know, ya feel me? fa feeling it yet man?
ok here he is: Josep Pla-Narbona
VERY OLD LETTER THAT I WROTE A VERY LONG WHILE BACK
do you want to have a life that is a gift? are you ready to win it all? we are both learning here. sometimes i think of myself as the last one standing (i know you think of me this way too)
but thats only because i got a lot of practice living in spain. no one sleeps. berlin - its worse. people heavily rely on this dancing movement for a consecutive three days. sometimes i look in the mirror and think “what a small small world” am i revealing myself enough to you yet> what I’m saying is: we make our lives. and the important trick here is to constantly push your entire body
into the most difficult position until that position feels soo good that it’s right.
do you want to know some facts about me? i hate it when my cup of coffee ends. and the taste of soy milk. there’s lactose free milk that is only available in “ certain places.“
sometimes i convince myself that i can eat regular yogurt and so i do but i always get a belly ache. i don’t run enough. its too cold here. you end up feeling like you have frost bite and it takes 30 minutes for your hands to de frost. for the pain to escape. for you to resemble a normal person again. i talk more when I’m nervous, in attempt to fill the empty space - like its my duty. i think it has the opposite effect though. like people prefer silence cause saying nothing is just that. i don’t know. I’m still figuring this one out. i consider myself shy but active. i have trouble staying in doors all day. i want a job that is complex, creative and interesting. i am interested in extinction. i like riding my bike in round abouts because it feels like one whole near death circle journey. i find cockiness annoying but confidence attractive. i like drinking wine in the day and during meals. i don’t feel guilty when taking naps. i do not feel the need to say hi to people. sometimes i am too lazy to socialise. i don’t mind being stared at but usually i never smile. i like it when people are direct / sometimes it hurts my feelings but i don’t mind. i think its ok to have your feelings hurt. i think its great actually. there are bigger things to care about- this is what i tell myself - i come up with my own truths. i am very aware of time and how i spend it. sometimes i wake up in the morning and say “ this day is for me” and think things like “ treat yourself” I don’t want to be someone who is always thought of as “super drunk”
I want to consider the way that i am seen but don’t.
i work on impulse.
i try not to think too much about things. i like saying “ be natural” i like it when we are both “being natural” i like it when we talk over each other. i find it romantic. i call it excitement. i try to see the finer angle of things. i haven’t gotten my big break yet but i am ready for it. i am ready for other things too. i had a dream about missing a flight last night and woke up in a a pool of cumm. i don’t know what this means. giving birth fascinates me. I’ve never been a good speller. I’m working on communicating with skill, vigour and triumph. i make stupid decisions easily. i like to follow my heart. like I’m moving to its beats. like its singing me a song and i am dancing. i smoke less. i try not to be aggressive. i get annoyed quickly when talking to my sister and mom but want to change this. i miss the ocean. i like your voice. i think that you’re good at talking. being around young people makes me feel old but i like it. i like zurich as a city. i like cities surrounded by mountains and when houses are stacked on top of each other like little bricks. i often think about home and family and how cool it is that i have the power to create those things. and how these things will create their things and so on.
i use to flirt with strangers on the bus but i don’t know what flirting is anymore. i avoid eye contact. i avoid talking. i avoid it all. i keep my face on my hand and walk left. i think things like “ people are predictable” and wait to feel surprised. i want privacy and breakfast. i want no privacy. i want to pee with the door open. i want to be held. i don’t want to talk about things. i want to exist in different realities and love everyone. i want to put my hands up and quit. i want you to grab my hands and stretch me. i want to be lathered in oil and and hassled. i want to be tickled until my nose bleeds. i want to i want to i want to i want to zzzzzZZzZzzzzzzzzz…….zozozozozzzzzzzzxxxoxoxoxoxyz xyz xyz xyz xyz xyz LMNOP QRSTUZ WWX WX WX Y Y Y Y AND Z.
WHEN DOES IT END -
I ask myself. probably never. i just spilled the coffee that i ordered all over the counter and all over the lady who made it for me. i didn’t know what to do as i stood there so kept saying things like “ at least it didn’t get these jars “ and at least it didn’t spill on that thing / oh no it got you on the shirt” and“ does that happen often ? hopefully this is the first and the last time” the girls just looked at me and smiled. imagine if i was drunk? good thing i don’t drink anymore. thats going great by the way. my head is filled with endorphins and my body well my body still lives to sleep but i guess that is a trait that will stick to me for eternity as it did from the get go as it will until the end of time. the book that I’m writing should be called “ i can’t believe it” cause you know what? i really can’t. i surprise myself like i surprise my man like i surprise my suppressions when i say things like : sometimes I’m in the control seat and other times i am on another one that is red and less flexible. i would compare it to the electric chair ~ death not included.
14:24 on a monday in australia
is anyone else on my level is a question that i constantly ask myself when iam running naked in circles under the rain on a monday. the naked part is a lie. i really normally always have clothes on when outside. this isn’t choice but another sad circumstance of reality. i sent 5 emails today all saying one thing: lets work together. lets hold hands. lets dance the la bamba and pretend that the vibrations we emit scream “when two become one”. I’m in a cafe again / whats new? whats new is nothing. my discovery playlist is very far away from music that i actually like. i stayed at some dj’s house for a couple of weeks and was very let down by the music he played. i was like what is this. there was a hip hop song about a guy killing himself for a girl or something. we looked at each other and thought the same thing without saying anything. i have a new obsession called: cunt waist time. every minute is scrutinised and the seconds are even worse. i treat them like hours. i carefully view them as i do things. my time to production ratio is high just as my movements just as my thoughts just as my feelings my feelings my - mighty anxious. my mighty anxious ankles. me mighty might mi anchor me and and and and. see what that was - a great example of what goes on in me when i think about you. when i think about you. thinking that you’re upset with me. ignoring me. not so much really that much very into me.
its a facade i say. we are forever. we are for r r r r r r r r r r ever. forever = ten to twelve minutes. forever = one day.forever —> forwards aka the tattoo my sister has on her back.
the people beside me are talking about grace and truth and how to experience it. you know what i think. i think that I’m going to put my headphones on cause you are really really really cringing me whole entire body up into a scrunch ball.
hail marry peace out.
IS LIFE ABOUT RULES? ABOUT SETTING THESE DIFFERENT PARAMETERS for yourself. i drank last night after a day of heavy drinking prior. i drank one beer at the gaslight. bonnie and i sat by the window and she told me about 5 stories in a short time span, i was entertained. then there was: one wine at a gallery opening - another wine at another gallery opening- one glass of beer, two orange wines and a vermouth. i ate indian food with my hands and ended up at the Hibernian roof top which i think holds a lot of people who party and make art. the art seemed to be graffiti and stuff. i was with joanna and monty. before this i was with peter. we walked up all the hills in paddingtonw fury and vigour. i had to stop in a 7/11 to get some napkins to wipe the sweat off my nose. i was wearing the denim pants mom bought that time i met her for lunch and was drenched from the rain. she found it disgusting and decided to buy me a whole new look. i was also wearing angus’ silk chinese jacket that has holes up and down both pits. drinking is funny because it makes you want to go home with someone. we also went to cafe lounge to meet louie. i met his sister, she is gorgeous. they seem like the kind of family that people would write novels about. i am listening to my sleepier playlist and it is 10am. I’m meeting my mom for lunch today and then will head to the library to work on this animation treatment. i talked to T on the phone for a bit and he told me about how he spent time in this electric leg thing that sue found on the street. they each took turns trying it out. sounded perfect like that picture was good asides from the fact that it missed me in it. i am going to make today different. i will not drink any alcohol. i will not contact anyone unless it is necessary. i will get lost in myself in my work in a moment in a muse in a day in time in this coffee.