WHEN DOES IT END -
I ask myself. probably never. i just spilled the coffee that i ordered all over the counter and all over the lady who made it for me. i didn’t know what to do as i stood there so kept saying things like “ at least it didn’t get these jars “ and at least it didn’t spill on that thing / oh no it got you on the shirt” and“ does that happen often ? hopefully this is the first and the last time” the girls just looked at me and smiled. imagine if i was drunk? good thing i don’t drink anymore. thats going great by the way. my head is filled with endorphins and my body well my body still lives to sleep but i guess that is a trait that will stick to me for eternity as it did from the get go as it will until the end of time. the book that I’m writing should be called “ i can’t believe it” cause you know what? i really can’t. i surprise myself like i surprise my man like i surprise my suppressions when i say things like : sometimes I’m in the control seat and other times i am on another one that is red and less flexible. i would compare it to the electric chair ~ death not included.
14:24 on a monday in australia
is anyone else on my level is a question that i constantly ask myself when iam running naked in circles under the rain on a monday. the naked part is a lie. i really normally always have clothes on when outside. this isn’t choice but another sad circumstance of reality. i sent 5 emails today all saying one thing: lets work together. lets hold hands. lets dance the la bamba and pretend that the vibrations we emit scream “when two become one”. I’m in a cafe again / whats new? whats new is nothing. my discovery playlist is very far away from music that i actually like. i stayed at some dj’s house for a couple of weeks and was very let down by the music he played. i was like what is this. there was a hip hop song about a guy killing himself for a girl or something. we looked at each other and thought the same thing without saying anything. i have a new obsession called: cunt waist time. every minute is scrutinised and the seconds are even worse. i treat them like hours. i carefully view them as i do things. my time to production ratio is high just as my movements just as my thoughts just as my feelings my feelings my - mighty anxious. my mighty anxious ankles. me mighty might mi anchor me and and and and. see what that was - a great example of what goes on in me when i think about you. when i think about you. thinking that you’re upset with me. ignoring me. not so much really that much very into me.
its a facade i say. we are forever. we are for r r r r r r r r r r ever. forever = ten to twelve minutes. forever = one day.forever —> forwards aka the tattoo my sister has on her back.
the people beside me are talking about grace and truth and how to experience it. you know what i think. i think that I’m going to put my headphones on cause you are really really really cringing me whole entire body up into a scrunch ball.
hail marry peace out.
IS LIFE ABOUT RULES? ABOUT SETTING THESE DIFFERENT PARAMETERS for yourself. i drank last night after a day of heavy drinking prior. i drank one beer at the gaslight. bonnie and i sat by the window and she told me about 5 stories in a short time span, i was entertained. then there was: one wine at a gallery opening - another wine at another gallery opening- one glass of beer, two orange wines and a vermouth. i ate indian food with my hands and ended up at the Hibernian roof top which i think holds a lot of people who party and make art. the art seemed to be graffiti and stuff. i was with joanna and monty. before this i was with peter. we walked up all the hills in paddingtonw fury and vigour. i had to stop in a 7/11 to get some napkins to wipe the sweat off my nose. i was wearing the denim pants mom bought that time i met her for lunch and was drenched from the rain. she found it disgusting and decided to buy me a whole new look. i was also wearing angus’ silk chinese jacket that has holes up and down both pits. drinking is funny because it makes you want to go home with someone. we also went to cafe lounge to meet louie. i met his sister, she is gorgeous. they seem like the kind of family that people would write novels about. i am listening to my sleepier playlist and it is 10am. I’m meeting my mom for lunch today and then will head to the library to work on this animation treatment. i talked to T on the phone for a bit and he told me about how he spent time in this electric leg thing that sue found on the street. they each took turns trying it out. sounded perfect like that picture was good asides from the fact that it missed me in it. i am going to make today different. i will not drink any alcohol. i will not contact anyone unless it is necessary. i will get lost in myself in my work in a moment in a muse in a day in time in this coffee.