Aug. 19, 2019 Monday 10pm
Hello carla how ya doin lady bird lady poochie pa boodie boo? Yes, yes, I know you know what that was ~ that was an example of how I refer to myself. Just got back from Europa. I have been experiencing the most extreme case of jetlag but I believe that is happening for a reason and that reason is for this moment that I am bringing to you right now. Europe was great. The best thing about it was that I realised how lucky I am. The pause was incredibly necessary in order to digest the present ~ IE. The EGO is not the enemy though is an important ‘friend’ that causes you to be ready for ‘consciousness’ .
How to make sure this feeling lives on:
Take note that all complaining is the ego yapping for a bit - complaints should only be met by a counter balance change thing.
Saturn returns is happening to me I feel it very strong large feelings woman stuff sensual woman feelings of calmness and serenity. I love you saturn and thank you for returning like a fine ass wine i love you.
I have given up bad habits that affect me negatively. This is a serious statement that I stand by.
Consciousness and empathy
Yada yada yada - going to make a video now for you. Stay tuned my friends.
July 18, 2019
Just Imported all photos from my phone and clicked the button ‘delete after import’ and everything was erased minus this screen grab that I sent to my ex. as a peace offering. weird huh ?
JULY 05, 2019
How do I feel right now you ask? I don’t know I have a belly ache. Can you believe it? If the answer is yes then you know me well. currently waiting for the little ‘loading ball’ to go away on my photoshop file that is attempting to ‘export’ (wish i could ‘export’ to italy). currently creating the new Freda’s laneway A0’s - this might be one of the biggest highlights of my life because it makes me feel powerful and seen. It’s hard to imagine what goes on on the internet cause it still feels like it isn’t a real thing even though i know that really its the realest thing we have right now. it’s so real that it will live beyond you and i. sometimes i think things like could have the internet lived through the big bang? and did the internet exist before the big bang? is the internet adam and eve? are humans the internet and we don’t even know it? are our phones recording us because it’s how our future selves take to documenting the past? my partners mom told me that she doesn’t believe that anything happens before / after death - like there is no soul inside of us. like its just maybe if we are lucky ~100 years and then kaboom boom. i looked at her and thought: oh my dear - my dearest dear - if only i felt the same cause if i did then maybe just maybe i wouldn’t think so much and perhaps if that were the case then this entire entry wouldn’t exist and maybe i’d think more productively. maybe id be ‘really living’ ~ does that mean that i am only half way living now? thats how the internet makes me feel. the internet makes me feel like i am half alive. half alive because half of me is the internet and the other half of me is human flesh. oh well, whatever. if you are still reading this then we are officially friends now. you and me are friends. hello forever my friend. my friend you are - a friend of friends - the internet.
June 20, 2019
What’s the new news you ask? I’ve been getting these very wild vivid dreams that make me wake up at strange times mostly in a cold sweat. The dreams are so serious that most of the time I freak myself out enough to not want to pee even when I have to pee and stuff. At the beginning of the month of JUNE I told myself I would do a month of no alcohol. It would be a cleanse titled ‘The Total Re boot’ It lasted maybe a couple of days until I made a rule titled ‘ 1 drink with dinner if I’m feeling like it ~ why not its only one drink’ Turns out that that worked for a very little amount of time until I said ‘Tim Sweeney and his really cool GF are in town this is a special occasion you can drink tonight, hang out with them drink whateva’ and so I drank a bit and that was fine and then what happened next was I decided to skip the whole rule thing and here I am having my second glass of wine as I write this to you my dear reader you strange reader whom I dont EVEN know. I realised something very important which is that I feel great. I feel really good. I feel like I am a millionaire. Soooo…. to sum up what I am saying is this. 1. What caused me to want to give drinking a break? — I was starting to really and I MEAN REALLLLLLY really HATE hangovers. I mean sure you are probably thinking ‘yeah who doesnt?’ well.. the reason why I hate hangovers so much is because they make me just want to stay in bed and watch youtube all day and that is not what I want to do. I am into being productive AND soooo the productivity needs to be active at a 10/10 ratio otherwise there is a problem. I dont want to be someone who is a blob 50 percent of the time. I am not a blob at all really but who know; I could turn into one if I dont ‘cool down the chaos’ …. Anyways get this - I was not a blob this month! I didn’t really get any hangovers. I am not drinking excessively. it is a light slow pace that is methodical and smooth. its a nice polite way of drinking. I am stroking the hairs on my back and feeling a gentle tickle. it feels goOOod! so thats it. that’s all I have to say right now. Comment below if you feel what I am saying. Love you bye!
June 17, 2019
Hello everybody welcome to my newsletter - if you do not remember signing up to this and you have randomly ended up here then consider this your lucky day! The good thing about a newsletter is that it is similar to life: if you are not interested you can simply ‘unsubscribe’ For the rest of you who are here to stay CONGRATULATIONS! This is great news for us both. I look forward to building a lasting relationship where we can speak with our eyes or even perhaps just through the energy force that is erupting from my keyboard to yours.
The month of June is exciting because on the 23rd it is my birthday. It’s weird how birthdays are so intertwined with Facebook in the sense that you don’t really remember them unless you see it on the top right hand corner of your news feed. You stop and think: does this person deserve the ten seconds it takes to write ‘happy birthday queen!’ ???? Normally if the answer is ‘No’ then you end up deleting them and if you are too lazy for that then you just end up leaving them there until next year when it’s the same shabang but probably better and if not better then worse.
Have any of you noticed how GMAIL can now practically write your emails out for you? Because of business I now manage 5 ACCOUNTS! Although this tool is helpful it does kind of freak me out as it is a hole into the future.
Do you ever find yourself not knowing what music to play? Maybe you are sick of all the music that loops on around you and it’s getting boring and you often find yourself needing more?
Well this is my solution. Its a little berlin Radio station called ‘Cashmere Radio’ Not only do they have a super cool interactive website but the place itself causes one to feel as if they have discovered a gold mine. I don’t want to talk too much about this but will share a link to one of my favourite mixes as of now:
And since we are on the topic of music I would like to formally SHARE MY NEW MUSIC VIDEO! The song is by Kapitan which is Dori from Red Axes’ new solo music project. This video was originally made for last year's sculpture by the sea where it was projected onto the famous Icebergs Pool. I wanted to give it a new life (with music) mainly since I find my videos to be empty without any real beats.
March 27, 2019
Doing that thing that I do again right before I get my period. My bf has started calling me ‘PRIMO’ which is pronounced ‘PREEEMO’ which is short for pre - menstrual. I don’t know - I am burning a candle. Not at both ends - just on the top. Watched that Coen Brothers film last night about the writer who ‘sells out’ and the dad from Roasanne plays the devil. wanted to state that I recommend it. It’s called ‘Barton Fink’. Also wanted to state that I am reading Megan Boyle’s Live Blog. I was an extra on this Mazda commercial yesterday. There was a lot of down time and the other extra Sam was not as prepared as me; I brought an ipad, my Megan Boyle book, a note pad, some pens, ear phones etc. . Her phone was about to die and she asked to borrow my book. she started reading it and kept saying ‘omg’ kind of a lot. I sort of felt a bit embarrassed. the book made me feel embarrassed. so i said ‘ I know, I know - it’s a lot’. She had to put the book down cause it was giving her anxiety.
Barton Fink gave me anxiety. Especially when I went to pee in the middle of the night. I was hyper alert thinking ‘is something coming for me from over there OR over there?’
You know what life feels like right now? One giant circle. Dave joked about how he felt like we live in a retirement village. I was like’ yeah I know, but what do you mean by that?’ sometimes I go with things without really understanding what people mean but this I didn’t let slide. Apparently he meant it in a good way.
do you ever feel like there is something missing? Like you are meant to be a Coen Brother but all you are is a giant pumpkin roasting in the oven? Not sure. Do you ever feel like you are practically ‘almost there’ always but ‘there’ never comes and somehow you are never not behind the barrel pushing. Can’t say. whats the deal with that my friends? going to take some magnesium tomorrow I guess. sometimes I think my bf is creeping up from behind me but all it is is the wind. sometimes I think that I am bigger than my body. sometimes I think that all I need is a Channel bag. told my sister that I am the happiest I’ve ever been on the phone on Monday and I meant it. my bf overheard it and said ‘I heard what you told your sister on the phone - that you are the happiest you’ve ever been’ and I responded by saying ‘ yeah I was - in that second, not anymore!’ haha - isn’t life funny?
Feb 18, 2019
Sometimes it’s weird because I feel like I really don’t know myself. Well it’s more like I know myself but then I don’t. Its like something happens and I think ‘oh my is that me’. I am not sure if you are following this but just stick with me for a bit: We are made to be filled with so many different dimensions of ourselves. Each side balances the other, makes you think. some days you sway towards the left and others the right and then on those really good days you feel that relaxing balance of both. I have these oracle cards called ‘Earth Warrior’. I sometimes do readings on other people though mostly on myself. Its a new thing. and the main outlining point of every card is pretty similar: trust yourself. Life is happening for you not to you. so i guess what its about is making sure to embrace the good in all the bad or whatever. I dont know why im talking about this. perhaps its due to the fact that we will be embraced by a super moon tomorrow. I am going to make some moon water. I am going to my BF’s parents house for dinner. We will walk through the park and look up and see.
FEB. 05, 2019
HELLO WORLD OF THE UNIVERSE OF THE INTERGALACTIC WEB. It is I young sky walker AKA Madam Crabby aka the real Slim Shady cah ching ching. Is it weird to mention that the new years has not started yet? I have been sick almost every first day of the week for a month now. I have also had peculiar injuries which I wont talk about because that is not why we are here. The real reason is because I want to make a statement: THERE ARE A LOT OF THINGS THAT I WANT TO DO.
UPDATE THIS PAGE REGULARLY - WHY? Because i do not believe in social media in the same way that i believe in the singular standing web pages that are aesthetically made to greet you with all things sweet and unpredictable.
I am working on a new project where I am illustrating selected CAFE DEL MWAH readings from 2018. A lot of the things that I read were tkaen from the past and edited for the present. I really enjoyed this technique. it was almost as if I was releasing the past from under the rug and saying sayonara sucka I aint feelin no pain no more. Cause its TRUE - NO PAIN NO GAIN. JK there is gain just no pain.
FINISH ALL OLD PROJECTS - this one is kind of annoying becuase my patience is just as potent as a as a…. I want to say cucumber but that does not fit. whatever the opposite of an orange is. Just to name a dew there is: Colouring book ( needs to be printed and sold ), tons of paintings, re making old paintings that worked for shop, Newsletter.
OK I think ill stop at three cause three is my lucky number. Anyways to digress as i digest what im saying is simple: IM BACK BEBE AND IM HERE FOR GOOD.
WE ALL call my grandma BABA, thanks to my cousin Jeffrey who couldn’t say Abuela back in the day pre age one. I like how names stick. my dad calls me KING KANG. I think it has something to do with the chinese ring of it. cause he teases me that he’s not my father and stuff. I have a good sense of humour, thank god. these are some photos of BABA’S house. I’ve been thinking a lot about what makes a home a home. its a feeling that you get when you are surrounded by memories, photos - things. the smell in the air. the food in the fridge. the people and the energy that emits through the smiles and frowns. you know what i mean, right? I am excited to be old and surrounded by all of this one day. life huh.
k i n d o f c o o o o L
what am i trying to tell you you ask
i am sitting on todd’s bed and he is in melbourne. i miss him. i miss a lot of things you know. i was going to make plans to meet my sister in the markets but decided that the best thing to do when you miss a lot of things is to sit alone with it to really feel it and stuff. the other night at mediation the teacher went deep into this thing about consciously tending to and focusing on that one heavy thing inside you. where the pain really is. thinkingabout it and where you feel it and to place a little fuzzy thing around it and to let it sit there and to love it a bit and to caress it whilst saying something like “ its ok darling baby I’m here with you”
yesterday during djing i felt a very large sensation of sad confusion over come me. i began to slyly make a list of what exactly was going on in me and instantly (maybe it was the pink of the paper or the rolling of the pen) everything felt lighter a bit.
what I’m getting to is this:
ITS OK IF YOU DONT FEEL GOOD. DONT FEEL GOOD. FEEL BAD AND STOP RUNNING. FEEL BAD AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND SAY HEY BADNESS LETS DO A DANCE OR SOMETHING. HEY BADNESS LETS DRINK A BEER GRAB A BITE AND MAKE A SHOW OF THIS.
i fell a sleep to this documentary about Sylvie Guillem - an amazingballerina / activist. I woke up slowly and let myself sleep until 8am. laying alone in the middle of the bed feels powerful. I made myself a coffee in todd VICE mug and thought about how he doesn’t drink milk and how i want to buy him flowers. i put on the black sweat pants that i once bought him and sat in bed and came across this magic video of the artist Josep Pla-Narbona. wow i yelled wow after watching it then i screamed “ that was good” then i imagined having a house like his house and talking to a camera like that and a girl or boy screaming things like wow about me as they are feeling my feelings while they’re alone in their room trying to understand what the hell is happening in their bodies and minds and even souls and even homes and even worlds and even whereverelse even can go to. how can i do a better job at sharing myself with you to make you feel like me to make us feel less alone cause really we are all getting through this together ya know, ya feel me? fa feeling it yet man?
ok here he is: Josep Pla-Narbona
VERY OLD LETTER THAT I WROTE A VERY LONG WHILE BACK
do you want to have a life that is a gift? are you ready to win it all? we are both learning here. sometimes i think of myself as the last one standing (i know you think of me this way too)
but thats only because i got a lot of practice living in spain. no one sleeps. berlin - its worse. people heavily rely on this dancing movement for a consecutive three days. sometimes i look in the mirror and think “what a small small world” am i revealing myself enough to you yet> what I’m saying is: we make our lives. and the important trick here is to constantly push your entire body
into the most difficult position until that position feels soo good that it’s right.
do you want to know some facts about me? i hate it when my cup of coffee ends. and the taste of soy milk. there’s lactose free milk that is only available in “ certain places.“
sometimes i convince myself that i can eat regular yogurt and so i do but i always get a belly ache. i don’t run enough. its too cold here. you end up feeling like you have frost bite and it takes 30 minutes for your hands to de frost. for the pain to escape. for you to resemble a normal person again. i talk more when I’m nervous, in attempt to fill the empty space - like its my duty. i think it has the opposite effect though. like people prefer silence cause saying nothing is just that. i don’t know. I’m still figuring this one out. i consider myself shy but active. i have trouble staying in doors all day. i want a job that is complex, creative and interesting. i am interested in extinction. i like riding my bike in round abouts because it feels like one whole near death circle journey. i find cockiness annoying but confidence attractive. i like drinking wine in the day and during meals. i don’t feel guilty when taking naps. i do not feel the need to say hi to people. sometimes i am too lazy to socialise. i don’t mind being stared at but usually i never smile. i like it when people are direct / sometimes it hurts my feelings but i don’t mind. i think its ok to have your feelings hurt. i think its great actually. there are bigger things to care about- this is what i tell myself - i come up with my own truths. i am very aware of time and how i spend it. sometimes i wake up in the morning and say “ this day is for me” and think things like “ treat yourself” I don’t want to be someone who is always thought of as “super drunk”
I want to consider the way that i am seen but don’t.
i work on impulse.
i try not to think too much about things. i like saying “ be natural” i like it when we are both “being natural” i like it when we talk over each other. i find it romantic. i call it excitement. i try to see the finer angle of things. i haven’t gotten my big break yet but i am ready for it. i am ready for other things too. i had a dream about missing a flight last night and woke up in a a pool of cumm. i don’t know what this means. giving birth fascinates me. I’ve never been a good speller. I’m working on communicating with skill, vigour and triumph. i make stupid decisions easily. i like to follow my heart. like I’m moving to its beats. like its singing me a song and i am dancing. i smoke less. i try not to be aggressive. i get annoyed quickly when talking to my sister and mom but want to change this. i miss the ocean. i like your voice. i think that you’re good at talking. being around young people makes me feel old but i like it. i like zurich as a city. i like cities surrounded by mountains and when houses are stacked on top of each other like little bricks. i often think about home and family and how cool it is that i have the power to create those things. and how these things will create their things and so on.
i use to flirt with strangers on the bus but i don’t know what flirting is anymore. i avoid eye contact. i avoid talking. i avoid it all. i keep my face on my hand and walk left. i think things like “ people are predictable” and wait to feel surprised. i want privacy and breakfast. i want no privacy. i want to pee with the door open. i want to be held. i don’t want to talk about things. i want to exist in different realities and love everyone. i want to put my hands up and quit. i want you to grab my hands and stretch me. i want to be lathered in oil and and hassled. i want to be tickled until my nose bleeds. i want to i want to i want to i want to zzzzzZZzZzzzzzzzzz…….zozozozozzzzzzzzxxxoxoxoxoxyz xyz xyz xyz xyz xyz LMNOP QRSTUZ WWX WX WX Y Y Y Y AND Z.
WHEN DOES IT END -
I ask myself. probably never. i just spilled the coffee that i ordered all over the counter and all over the lady who made it for me. i didn’t know what to do as i stood there so kept saying things like “ at least it didn’t get these jars “ and at least it didn’t spill on that thing / oh no it got you on the shirt” and“ does that happen often ? hopefully this is the first and the last time” the girls just looked at me and smiled. imagine if i was drunk? good thing i don’t drink anymore. thats going great by the way. my head is filled with endorphins and my body well my body still lives to sleep but i guess that is a trait that will stick to me for eternity as it did from the get go as it will until the end of time. the book that I’m writing should be called “ i can’t believe it” cause you know what? i really can’t. i surprise myself like i surprise my man like i surprise my suppressions when i say things like : sometimes I’m in the control seat and other times i am on another one that is red and less flexible. i would compare it to the electric chair ~ death not included.
14:24 on a monday in australia
is anyone else on my level is a question that i constantly ask myself when iam running naked in circles under the rain on a monday. the naked part is a lie. i really normally always have clothes on when outside. this isn’t choice but another sad circumstance of reality. i sent 5 emails today all saying one thing: lets work together. lets hold hands. lets dance the la bamba and pretend that the vibrations we emit scream “when two become one”. I’m in a cafe again / whats new? whats new is nothing. my discovery playlist is very far away from music that i actually like. i stayed at some dj’s house for a couple of weeks and was very let down by the music he played. i was like what is this. there was a hip hop song about a guy killing himself for a girl or something. we looked at each other and thought the same thing without saying anything. i have a new obsession called: cunt waist time. every minute is scrutinised and the seconds are even worse. i treat them like hours. i carefully view them as i do things. my time to production ratio is high just as my movements just as my thoughts just as my feelings my feelings my - mighty anxious. my mighty anxious ankles. me mighty might mi anchor me and and and and. see what that was - a great example of what goes on in me when i think about you. when i think about you. thinking that you’re upset with me. ignoring me. not so much really that much very into me.
its a facade i say. we are forever. we are for r r r r r r r r r r ever. forever = ten to twelve minutes. forever = one day.forever —> forwards aka the tattoo my sister has on her back.
the people beside me are talking about grace and truth and how to experience it. you know what i think. i think that I’m going to put my headphones on cause you are really really really cringing me whole entire body up into a scrunch ball.
hail marry peace out.
IS LIFE ABOUT RULES? ABOUT SETTING THESE DIFFERENT PARAMETERS for yourself. i drank last night after a day of heavy drinking prior. i drank one beer at the gaslight. bonnie and i sat by the window and she told me about 5 stories in a short time span, i was entertained. then there was: one wine at a gallery opening - another wine at another gallery opening- one glass of beer, two orange wines and a vermouth. i ate indian food with my hands and ended up at the Hibernian roof top which i think holds a lot of people who party and make art. the art seemed to be graffiti and stuff. i was with joanna and monty. before this i was with peter. we walked up all the hills in paddingtonw fury and vigour. i had to stop in a 7/11 to get some napkins to wipe the sweat off my nose. i was wearing the denim pants mom bought that time i met her for lunch and was drenched from the rain. she found it disgusting and decided to buy me a whole new look. i was also wearing angus’ silk chinese jacket that has holes up and down both pits. drinking is funny because it makes you want to go home with someone. we also went to cafe lounge to meet louie. i met his sister, she is gorgeous. they seem like the kind of family that people would write novels about. i am listening to my sleepier playlist and it is 10am. I’m meeting my mom for lunch today and then will head to the library to work on this animation treatment. i talked to T on the phone for a bit and he told me about how he spent time in this electric leg thing that sue found on the street. they each took turns trying it out. sounded perfect like that picture was good asides from the fact that it missed me in it. i am going to make today different. i will not drink any alcohol. i will not contact anyone unless it is necessary. i will get lost in myself in my work in a moment in a muse in a day in time in this coffee.